Humorous Category Archives :: Consider This

Hating Air-Conditioned Potties

Yesterday when I was pulling up her britches after she went potty, she said, “Boy, I hate these air-conditioned potties! They freeze my butt! Why do these people keep the potty so cold?”

And the answer I (my beautiful Bride) gave to her about the air-conditioned potty? Well, here goes:

“I guess these people want to have a high turnover in the potty. If it’s freezing cold, they can get people in and out fast. There aren’t any people outside the door waiting to use the potty right now, but if there’s ever a long line waiting to get in, we’re ready for them!”

She was happy with that, and when she’s happy, I’m happy too.
—Mama, July 15, 2010

Source: Caregiving on my Sweet Bride's Blog. This was a conversation she had with her 92 year-old Mom!

Egotists, They Talk

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
—David Heimbach

Source: From Dave's email subscription, forwarded by my wonderful Bride, Carol

When to Stop Talking?

My great-grandfather used to say to his wife, my great-grandmother, who in turn told her daughter, my grandmother, who repeated it to her daughter, my mother, who used to remind her daughter, my own sister, that to talk well and eloquently was a very great art, but that an equally great one was to know the right moment to stop.
—Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Source: ThinkExist.com's Mozart Quotes
> It is the birthday of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart born in 1756 on this day in Salzburg, Austria. He died in Vienna, Austria on December 5, 1791. See The Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor for Wednesday, January 27, 2010

No Lies, Please, I Love a good Soup!

Anyone who tells a lie has not a pure heart, and cannot make a good soup.
—Ludwig van Beethoven

Source: BrainyQuote.com's Ludwig van Beethoven Quotes.
>: Beethoven was born in Bonn, Germany; he was baptized in a Roman Catholic service on 17 December 1770, and was probably born the previous day, 16 December. He died on 26 March 1827 in Vienna, Austria.

Clever, You Say?

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
—Oscar Wilde

Source: Oscar Wilde quotes on Thinkexist.com.

Aspiring Writers' Advice

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second-greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first-greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy.
—Dorothy Parker

Source: Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor Wednesday, July 1, 2009.
It is the birthday of grammarian William Strunk Jr., born in Cincinnati, Ohio (1869). He was a professor at Cornell University for 46 years, and during that time, he created the "little book" known as The Elements of Style (1918) in order to make it easier to grade his students' composition papers. He died on September 26, 1946 at Poughkeepsie, New York.

Lewis Carroll's Birthday

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
  The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
  Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
  And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
  The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
  And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
  The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
  He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
  Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
  He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.
—Lewis Carroll JABBERWOCKY (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

Source: David Shaw's Jabberwocky.com, and specifically his quoting of Carroll's poem The Jabberwocky.
See also: on Wikipedia, Jabberwocky
> It is Lewis Carroll's birthday. He was born Charles Lutwidge Dodgson in Cheshire, England in 1832, the author of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865) and Through the Looking-Glass (1871). He died at Guildford, England on 14th January 1898.
> This is a repeat, of sorts, of an entry previously published in Consider This as Twas Brillig
> This entry is dedicated to my friend, Kit, who loves this poem, jumps with glee when I have recited in from my heart at our men's gatherings, and who was stricken down by a seizure of unknown cause on January 20, 2009. We send him tons of prayers and positive energies so that he may fully recover.

mark lewis doing his rendition of the CS Lewis poem on YouTube.com.

Take His Pot-Shot, Please!

I'm not getting paid much for staying alive but it's good experience.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

Source: The Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor for Tuesday, December 9, 2008
See also:
> Today is the birthday of cartoonist, humorist, and poet Ashleigh Brilliant, born in London (1933). He's best known for his "Pot-Shots," sayings and one-liners that are never more than 17 words. He illustrates them with pen-and-ink drawings. You can buy his illustrated pot-shots from him online at AshleighBrilliant.com.

Difference Between the Democrats and the Republicans

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
—P.J. O'Rourke

Source: "The Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor for Friday, November 14, 2008
> It is the birthday of the political satirist r P.J O'Rourke born in Toledo, Ohio in 1947.

God Created Man

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
—Oscar Wilde

Source: "The Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor for Thursday, October 16, 2008
> It is the birthday of the Irish writer Oscar Wilde born in Dublin in 1854. He died in Paris, France on November 30, 1900.

The Monkeys Stand for Honesty

Somethin' tells me
It's all happening at the zoo.
I do believe it,
I do believe it's true.

The monkeys stand for honesty,
Giraffes are insincere,
And the elephants are kindly but
They're dumb.
Orangutans are skeptical
Of changes in their cages,
And the zookeeper is very fond of rum.
Zebras are reactionaries,
Antelopes are missionaries,
Pigeons plot in secrecy,
And hamsters turn on frequently.
What a gas! You gotta come and see
At the zoo.
—Paul Simon from the lyrics of At the Zoo

Source: PaulSimon.com's lyrics online of At the Zoo
> It is the birthday of Paul Simon born in Newark, New Jersey in 1941.
> See also "The Writer's Almanac with Garrison Keillor for Monday, October 13, 2008

Too Many Daves

Source: The Sneetches: And Other Stories by Dr. Seuss 1989 Random House ISBN: 0-394-80089-3 (trade)
> Read Too Many Daves online.

Computer Error Haiku

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
—Unknown

Source: Friday, September 5, 2008 Teachers: Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes 2008 Calendar by Andrews McMeel Publishing ISBN-13: 978-0-7407-6680-0

Banjo's 'The Man From Ironbark'

This is me, Rich Wersinger, reciting The Man From Ironbark (4m21s) by A. B. Banjo Paterson, the beloved Australian poet and author.
See:
> The biography of Andrew Barton (Banjo) Paterson by the Australian Dictionary of Biography, Online Edition
> Online edition of The Man From Ironbark

Watch Those Penguins

Source: aBowman's Gadgets. Try 'em, you'll like them!

We Sail the Ocean Blue

We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship's a beauty;
We're sober men and true,
And attentive to our duty.
When the balls whistle free
O'er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns all day;
When at anchor we ride
On the Portsmouth tide,
We have plenty of time to play.

Ahoy! Ahoy! The balls whistle free.
Ahoy! Ahoy! O'er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns, to our guns all day.

We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship's a beauty;
We're sober men and true,
And attentive to our duty;
Our saucy ship's a beauty,
We're attentive to our duty;
We're sober men and true,
We sail the ocean blue!
—Arther Seymour Sullivan (Of Gilbert & Sullivan) from their opera H.M.S. Pinafore

Source: Lyricsandsongs.com's We Sail the Ocean Blue Lyrics
See also:
> It's the birthday of one half of the Gilbert and Sullivan opera writing team, Arthur Seymour Sullivan, born in London in 1842. He died in England on November 22, 1900.
> See: Garrison Keillor's Writer's Almanac for Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Never Eat at a Restaurant Called Mom's

Never eat at a place called Mom's, never play cards with a guy named Doc, and never go to bed with anyone who has more troubles than you.
—Nelson Algren

Source: Garrison Keillor's Writer's Almanac for Friday, Mar. 28, 2008
See also:
> It is the birthday of Nelson Algren born in Detroit, Michigan in 1909. He died In Long Island, New York on May 9, 1981

The Future - Tomorrow

The future will be better tomorrow.
—Dan Quayle

Source: Teachers: Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes Daily calendar Wednesday, February 6, 2008 Andrews McMeel Publishing ISBN-13: 9780-7407-6680-0

Who is What and What is Who

On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,
And I have nothing else to do,
I sometimes wonder if it's true
That who is what and what is who.
—Pooh (from Winnie-the-Pooh)

Source: books and writers bio of A(lan) A(lexander) Milne (1882-1956
It is the birthday of A.A. Milne born London, England on this day in 1882. He died in Hartfield, Sussex, on January 31, 1956.
See also:
> Garrison Keillor's The Wrtier's Almanac for Friday, January 18, 2008

Who said, "Lost!"?

I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks.
—Daniel Boone

Source: Garrison Keillor's The Writer's Almanac for Friday, November 1, 2007
⇒ Today is the birthday of Daniel Boone, born near Reading, Pennsylvania in 1734. He died in 1819.

Victor Hugo's Exclamation Point

Victor Hugo, when he wanted to know how Les Miserables was selling, reportedly telegraphed his publisher with the single inquiry "?" and received the expressive "!".
—Lynne Truss in her book Eats, Shoots & Leaves

Source: Eats, Shoots & Leaves daily calendar, Thursday, August 16, 2007 entry.
See also:
⇒ Lynne Truss's Home page and;
⇒ Her Eats, Shoots & Leaves page.

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: By Age | 35-year-olds
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom

Wrestle a Pig?

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
—George Bernard Shaw

Source: Garrison Keillor's The Writer's Almanac for Thursday, July 26, 2007
⇒ Today is the birthday of George Bernard Shaw, born in Dublin, Ireland in 1856. he died at Ayot St. Lawrence, Hertfordshire, on November 2, 1950.

Getting Up in the Morning

I get up every morning determined both to change the world and to have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning the day difficult.
—E. B. White, writer (1899–1985)

Source: Java House counter on June 25, 2007.
Java House
210 W Evergreen Blvd # 400
Vancouver, WA 98660
(360) 737-2925
See also:
⇒ Wikipedia's E.B. White

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: By age: 35-year-olds
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.

As I Grow Older

The older I grow, the more I listen to people who don't talk much.
—Germain G. Glien

Source: Java House counter on June 8, 2007.
Java House
210 W Evergreen Blvd # 400
Vancouver, WA 98660
(360) 737-2925

The Universe: Infinite?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
—Albert Einstein

Source: I've Got The Secret: What happened when I followed the best-selling book's advice for two months. by Emily Yoffe, Posted Monday, May 7, 2007, at 5:17 PM ET
⇒ Her column is "human guinea pig: Humiliating myself for fun and profit" on Slate.com

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: By Age / 19-year-olds
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom

Can Dogs Please?

When signs go up saying "No dogs please", only one person in a thousand bothers to point out that actually, as a statement, "no dogs please" is an indefensible generalisation, since many dogs do please, as a matter of fact; they rather make a point of it.
—Lynne Truss in her book Eats, Shoots & Leaves

Source: Eats, Shoots & Leaves daily calendar, Thursday, May 3, 2007 entry.
See also:
⇒ Lynne Truss's Home page and;
⇒ Her Eats, Shoots & Leaves page.

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: By Age / 18-year-olds
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom

Punctuation Can Make a Difference!

Consider the difference:
"The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness:
Prepare ye the way of the Lord." And:
"The voice of him that crieth:
In the wilderness prepare ye the way of the Lord."
—Lynne Truss in her book Eats, Shoots & Leaves

Source: Eats, Shoots & Leaves daily calendar, Thursday, April 20, 2007 entry.
See also:
⇒ Lynne Truss's Home page and;
⇒ Her Eats, Shoots & Leaves page.

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: By Age / 50-year-olds and older
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom

On Being Old

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let him know.

Growing Older, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avaunt garde on my patio. I am entitled to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and then sleep until -- ?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60's, (and for some of us the 70's & 80's) and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old (if they're lucky). I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean it. I can say "yes" and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So , to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day...(if I want).

Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.
Love simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

LIVE WELL - LAUGH OFTEN - LOVE MUCH
—Unknown

Source: Daily email "humorous" subscription, Wednesday's Humor -- 18 Apr 2007; Subject: Old Age.... by Robert E. Karas.

On Paying Inheritance Tax

I don't see why a man shouldn't pay an inheritance tax. If a Country is good enough to pay taxes to while you are living, it's good enough to pay in after you die. By the time you die you should be so used to paying taxes that it would just be almost second nature to you.
— Will Rogers

Source: Will Rogers Today online at Will Rogers on Taxes
See also:
⇒ The Official Site of Will Rogers Biography

Apostrophe Abolition

The day after the abolition of the apostrophe, imagine the scene. Triumphant abolitionist sits down to write, "Goodbye to the apostrophe, we're not missing you a bit!" and finds that he can't.
—Lynne Truss in her book Eats, Shoots & Leaves

Source: Eats, Shoots & Leaves daily calendar, Saturday, April 7, 2007 entry.
See also:
⇒ Lynne Truss's Home page and;
⇒ Her Eats, Shoots & Leaves page.

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.......

01: Don't miss the boat.
02: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
03: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
04: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
05: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
06: Build your future on high ground.
07: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
08: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
09: When you're stressed, float awhile.
10: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
—Unknown

Source: Daily email "humorous" subscriptions, Tuesday's Humor -- 10 Apr 2007 by Robert Karas.
⇒ April 10, 1912: RMS Titanic departs Southampton, England on its maiden voyage bound for Cherbourg, France; Queenstown, Ireland; and New York City, New York, USA.

My Father, So Ignorant; When I Was 14

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
—Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874

Source: QuoteGarden.com's Father Quotes, Sayings about Fathers.
⇒ The Mark Twain House and Museum's The Man | Biography.

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: Navy
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom

Keep Close at My Heels

CHAPTER II

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable that this renowned island, on which is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal; therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter.
—Washington Irving from his Knickerbocker's History of New York, Complete

Project Gutenberg's Knickerbocker's History of New York, Complete by Washington Irving, originally published by W.B. Conkey Company in December, 1809.
⇒ Today, April 3^rd, Washington Irving was born in New York City in 1783. He died November 28, 1859 in Tarrytown, New York.
See also:
⇒ WikiPedia's Washington Irving
⇒ Garrison Keillor's The Writer's Almanac for Tuesday, April 3, 2007

WashingtonPost.com's Faces of the Fallen: Navy
U.S. Service members who died in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom

Toot a Flute

A tutor who tooted the flute,
Tried to teach two tooters to toot;
Said the two to the tutor:
“Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
—Anonymous

Source: Unknown
⇒ This is, however, one of my favorite limericks.

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit,
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
—Ruba

Source: Ruba's Profile [requires free registration] on Sitepoint forums.

Cheerful as Any Man Could Be

I went out to Charing Cross to see Major General Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could in that condition.
—Samuel Pepys

Source: Samuel Pepys Quotes on BrainyQuote.com.
⇒ It is the birthday of the English diarist Samuel Pepys, born in London on this day, February 23^rdin 1633.He died on Clapham (near London) on 26 May 1703.
See also:
⇒ Garrison Keillor's The Writer's Almanac for Friday, February 23, 2007.
⇒ Samuel Pepys on Wikipedia.org.

Twas Brillig

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
  The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
  Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
  And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
  The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
  And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
  The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
  He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
  Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
  He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.
—Lewis Carroll JABBERWOCKY (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

Source: David Shaw's Jabberwocky.com, and specifically his quoting of Carroll's poem The Jabberwocky.
See also: on Wikipedia, Jabberwocky

mark lewis doing his rendition of the CS lewis poem on YouTube.com.

Foolish with Enthusiasm

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm!
—Unknown

Source: The counter at:
Java House
210 W Evergreen Blvd # 400
Vancouver, WA 98660
(360) 737-2925

Ole Farmer's Advice

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
—Anonymous

Source: Wednesday's Humor – 31 January 2007, from a daily email I receive from a Navy friend.

Have One Hell of a Time

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
—Art Buchwald

Source: thinkexist.com's Art Buchwald quotes.
See also:
Art Buchwald passed away on Wednesday, January 17, 2007 in Washington, DC. He was born on Oct. 20, 1925, in Mount Vernon, N.Y.
Wikipedia's Art Buchwald.
NY Times Art Buchwald obituary. [May require free registration]
NY Times The Last Word: Art Buchwald. [May require free registration]

Do You Have an Accent?

I took this survey today and you can decide for yourself if the results, below, reflect my accent!
You can try it, too! What American accent do you have?

Source: GoToQuiz.com
See also: Consider This entry Where in the World?

Rains All the Time?

For all the fame of the rain in this soggy city, conversations about climate often lead to local defensiveness: Seattle, which averages about 38 inches of rain annually, is far from the country�s wettest big city. Atlanta, Boston, Houston, Miami and New York are just some of the others that get more rain.
—New York Times byline – SEATTLE, Nov. 26

Source: New York Times article Seattle Journal: City That Takes Rain in Stride Puts on Hip Boots published Monday, November 26, 2006. [Requires registration.]
See also: Rains All the Time: A Connoisseur's History of Weather in the Pacific Northwest by David Laskin Sasquatch Books June 1997 ISBN: 1570610630

Never Been Lost?

I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks.
—Daniel Boone

Source: Garrison Keillor's The Writer's Almanac for Thursday, November 2, 2006 Daniel Boone was born on this date near Reading, Pennsylvania in 1734.
See also: American West's short biographical sketch Daniel Boone

Education: A Definition

Education:
the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
—Mark Twain

Source: The Little Book of Humorous Quotation edited by Alison Bullivant 2004 Barnes & Noble Books ISBN 0-7607-3776-2

It Just Might Work

It struck me that the movies had spent more than half a century saying, They lived happily ever after and the following quarter-century warning that they'll be lucky to make it through the weekend. Possibly now we are now entering a third era in which the movies will be sounding a note of cautious optimism: You know it just might work.
—Nora Ephron

Source: Nora Ephrn Quotes on Quotationsbook.com

The Real Patriot

The real patriot:
is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and
rejoices that the system works.
—Anonymous

Source: February 3^rd entry: Office Perpetual Calendar by Judy Johannesen, Haymarket, Virginia

Politicians Rebuild!

The world hasn�t seen anything yet:
Wait til the politicians start to rebuild and regulate IT!�
—Anonymous

Source: January 18^th entry: Office Perpetual Calendar by Judy Johannesen, Haymarket, Virginia

Wrightisms Revisited?

• A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
• ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
• 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
• I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

—From Anne E. in L.A. Not attributed, but they sound suspiciously like Steven Wright comments

Source: An email of 6 May 2005 from my sweet Bride, Carol
See also Steven Wright - Wikiquote

You Want Me to What? ...

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: Let me see if I've got this right...

...You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their. every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an
equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me . . NOT TO
PRAY??
—Unknown, (but every teacher I know had to have contributed to this)

Source: An email I received on Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Owl and the Pussy Cat

The owl and the pussy-cat went to sea
    In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey and plenty of money,
    Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The owl look up to the stars above,
    And sang to a small guitar,
O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
  What a beautiful Pussy you are,
       You are,
       You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!
—Edward Lear from his poem The Owl and the Pussy-cat.
   To read the entire poem, see The Owl and the Pussycat online

Source: Edward Lear: The Complete Verse and Other Nonsense Edited by Vivien Noakes Penguin Books (U.S.A.) 2001 ISBN 0-14-20.0227-5

Thursday, May 12, 2005

It's the birthday of the man who wrote,
    "There was an old man who supposed That the street door was partially closed, But some very large rats ate his coats and his hats While that futile old gentleman dozed."

That was Edward Lear, born in London (1812). He was the 20th of 21 children�almost half of whom had died in infancy. He was raised by his sister who taught him to paint birds and flowers.

There was a market for illustrated books about birds, so Edward Lear got into that business and became a successful bird illustrator. He always painted from life. He painted the specimens that Charles Darwin brought back from his trip on the H.M.S. Beagle,/cite>.

He suffered from depression, epilepsy, and terrible eyesight. He felt like an outcast in British society.

In 1832 came a turning point in his life. The Earl of Darby invited Edward Lear to come and paint all the animals in his private zoo, and Lear did and arrived at the estate and wound up spending most of his free time with the Earl's grandchildren. Edward Lear had never spent any time with children before. He found that he loved them. He became a clown. He sang songs for them, he drew cartoons, and he made up humorous poems.

And he wrote down those poems and they became his Book of Nonsense, which came out in 1846, the poem about the owl and the pussycat who went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat and the poem about the jumblies and others.

Source: Garrison Keilor's The Writer's Almanac for May 12, 2005

Earth Feels Needed

Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed.
—Charles M. Schulz

Source: Email of 04 May 2005 from a former student
See also the Charles M. Schulz Museum and Research Center

What Man Descends From

We need not worry so much about what man descends from — it's what he descends to that shames the human race.
—Mark Twain

Source: The Little Book of Humrous Quotations edited by Alison Bullivant 2004 Barnes & Noble Books

Shrimp is the Fruit of the Sea

Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sautee it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.
—Bubba [played by Mykelti Williamson] in the movie Forrest Gump (1994)

Source: Memorable Quotes from Forrest Gump (1994)